A request I've been waiting for for 18 years.
The request came from the woman who was once my maid of honor.
We had become fast friends a couple of years before on an 8-month, 8-country European tour of the all-Americana musical, Oklahoma! I was 24 at the time, and she'd felt like one of my first real post-college adult girlfriends. I loved talking with her, sharing books with her, running through German landscapes and exploring cities with her. She was a grounding force for me. It was an intense tour, and the moments when I felt the most broken, she was a generous friend.
The year after the tour, we settled a few blocks away from each other in NYC and both tried to figure out our next life steps. Auditioning was going well for me, but she was considering a career change. We both had complicated long-distance semi-boyfriends and short-term NYC dating until I met my polar opposite, Adam, and got engaged to him 11 weeks later. The year was jam-packed with big life shifts.
Of course I asked her to be my maid of honor, my sole bridal party. She was my closest girlfriend.
Not long after the wedding, my friend candidly told me that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I was stunned. I remember fishing for specifics for the break-up, but got generalities. I'd never done anything to hurt her personally - nothing that she was willing or able to divulge to me anyway. To this day, I'm still flummoxed. I can only guess that she didn't like the way things had developed between Adam and me. She may not have liked him or who I'd become with him. It had been a whirlwind year and I'd been caught up in what now looks like a string of bad judgment calls. Truthfully, if I'd had to witness a year of one of my close friends' unhealthy choices, I might have turned off, too. Maybe I would have slowly melted away, gotten too busy to make dinner dates... I have drifted away from a friend or two before. But would I have formally broken up with her? Maybe my friend felt like I deserved a true cutting of ties - maybe she thought it was kinder to offer something concrete and definite. I'm definitely someone who appreciates resolution, but I couldn't find a grounding for it all. What would I have done if I were her?
My friend broke up with me twice. She thought she could give our friendship another chance, but after a week (weak?) second try, she confirmed the end. The words I vividly remember her saying were, "I just don't value our friendship anymore." Ouch. That didn't seem kind; that seemed harsh.
I felt really lost and confused by it. We had mutual friends, one in particular that I was still close with. I'd ask him about her occasionally, and every time felt like a self-inflicted wound. She eventually moved across the country and I found comfort in the distance of place and time.
And then, Facebook ruined everything.
A while ago, I'd searched her name and found her. I was curious and masochistic, I guess. Who hasn't searched the names of people who have broken your heart, folks who have done you wrong, or ones who got away? So I found her, but did nothing. It wasn't my place to do anything. In my mind, there was plenty to be said initially, but not by me.
Last week, I got a Facebook Friend Request from her. No message attached, no note, just the request.
And I got really, really angry.
Now I'm in this impossible situation. I can't just dismiss the request and I can't just accept it. Oh, it's just Facebook! Who cares! Can't I be a grown up about it?
No, I can't. No, I won't. I'm furious that I can't treat this "Friend" request as casually as she has. She is not someone from my periphery, not some kid I sang with in middle school chorus class eons ago. Someone I loved broke up with me and has decided that after 18 years, she owes me no explanation, no apology, nothing but a lame click of a button to wipe the slate clean.
But...
So, now what? Perhaps I'll send her these words and let her try and make sense out of them. Here's my click of a button, I guess. With it, I'll wipe my own slate clean.
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