It's Never So Simple

It's never as simple as anger allows me to think it is.
Being angry allows me to pinpoint and shut down.  It feels powerful... for a while... until I realize how  tiring it is and how alone I feel.

This little blog of mine is not normally an update of my daily goings on - It is not meant to be the place where I share every fascinating detail of my everyday minutiae or to work out whatever issues I have.  I really hate those blogs.  Get a Twitter account or a therapist already.  But today I'm going to make an exception, because it's warranted after my last posting.  I need to offer you, as Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story."

First, I'm amazed by how many friends across my spectrum have reached out after reading the post to share their own personal experience of a friendship break-up. (Thank you for sharing those stories with me - You know who you are~)  I'm not amazed that bad break-ups happen, just amazed by how many folks wanted and needed to connect to share their hurt/anger/bewilderment/sense of abandonment/general bad and sad feelings.  And by the way, they weren't all women my age.  They spanned generations and gender. A close high school guy friend wrote a really touching note about the post and then alluded to losing his best friend.  It's been a painful subject for years.  I can't remember a time when we've gotten together that he hasn't brought up the topic. Amazing how sucky it can feel.

Second, I'm humbled by the complexity of it all...

So, here's the update. It took me a couple of days, but I sent the blog post to my friend. When I did it, I felt a sense of empowerment.  Take that! I thought. You hurt me and now I'm putting it all to rest.  Done!

But that's not how this story goes, and looking at it now, I'm thankful for an alternate ending.

My friend answered back in just a few hours.  Her email was a combination of beautiful note, heartfelt apology, explanation of a different side of the story, and a timeline of her post-breakup life.  Post-break-up sounded terrible. I felt for my friend.  I heard her familiar voice as I read her words and I thought, how did this all end up feeling so personal?  The initial breakup did happen, but as I put our two stories together, there's a muddiness.  What really did happen, and how much of it was open to interpretation?  And holy cow, there were 18 years in between that had nothing to do with our friendship... it was LIFE taking over.  LIFE got in the way of either of us reaching out and mending fences. Why go back and try to rehash and restart that friendship when we were each holding on for dear life to LIFE as it was happening?

And let's be fair.  None of us has been a perfect friend.  I have several embarrassing low points when I dropped the ball and hurt a friend, and I didn't fix it.  There are times when I've looked back and thought, I should have fixed that and I didn't and now it just seems too late.

It is never as simple as anger and hurt let us believe.

I know that I said I was ready for a clean slate, and I am.  And I hope my old/former/renewed friend will join me to decorate it.