Re(s)training Order

     It's been a challenging six weeks.

     In a word: BUSY.

     Well.  I was really confident in my last post about breaking up with BUSY.  I knew it wasn't working and that our relationship was going nowhere good for me. I had solid reasons - and reasoning - for dumping him.  Let's face it, he's always been a freeloader.  He's demanded so much of my time and energy.  He's controlling and jealous.  BUSY made it hard to see my friends, my family, not to mention, my husband.
     (I actually think BUSY and Mike have a past, too, which is unsettling.)

     Problem is, BUSY and I have 40+ years together, and I should have known he wouldn't go down without a good fight.

     I was sure I could make a clean break, but it turns out that BUSY is an even worse ex-boyfriend than he was a boyfriend.

     A couple of days after I announced that we were through, I came home to find him in the middle of our living room.  He was sitting in the dark, leaning back, spread out wide and confident, like he owned the place... like he owned me.

     "How did you get in?" I asked as I dropped my bag on the table.
     He smirked as he held up and dangled his set of keys. I motioned for them and he lobbed them to me.
     "I don't need them anyway," he scoffed. "I can get in any time I want."
     "Are you threatening me?"
     "Just stating the facts."
     I waited.

     “Not so easy giving me up, is it?” 

     It hadn't been easy, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of saying it out loud.

     “Can’t stop thinking about me, can you?”

     Again, this was true, but not in a good way.

     “What do you want, BUSY?”

     “I want you back.” 

     I let out a deep breath. “Of course you do.  You want everything your way."
     "Seems you liked my way for a long, long time."
     "There's a difference between living a certain way and liking it. I get lost when I’m with you.”

     “You say that like it’s a bad thing.  Don’t you want to get lost in us?” He walked over to me and leaned in close.

     “No,” I shook my head. “No, I don't. You take me down to a dark, unrecognizable place.  I don’t see myself, the self I want to be when we’re together.  You and I want different things, BUSY, and you can’t be my priority anymore.  I need to be my priority.”

     “I see,” he stepped back, nodding slowly, pretending to reflect on my words  I know this act.  I’ve seen it before.  "So, that's it?"
     "Yup."
     He straightened up. "You know you can't cut me out. Your friends are my friends. They won't choose you over me."
     "That's for them to decide, BUSY."
     "I'm not going to just disappear. I rule this town."
     "That may be true, but you won't rule me."
     "We'll see," he said.  BUSY stopped at the door. "See you around, Stephanie.  See you around every corner.  Every single corner.  Just when you think you're alone, I'll be there."
     "Get out, BUSY."
     "Oh, and uh... nice speech." He closed the door, but I knew he was still there, standing on the other side.  I walked over and flipped the deadlock and heard him laugh.

...

     So, now what? Well,  I'm working on a re(s)training order.  The most important part is firm consistency.  Sometimes I feel myself slipping back, softening to him, missing whatever that was, but I need to recalibrate my thinking and behavior.  I need to change my muscle memory. BUSY continues to lurk. He appears out of nowhere, often at the worst moments, and it always unnerves me.  But every day that I don't reconcile is a hard-won victory.

     I know this is difficult for you to read.  I know this hits way too close to home, because you've been with BUSY too.  Oh, he told you that you were exclusive?  BUSY gets around.  What, he told you his name was Productive?  Yeah, that's his brother.  Don't be fooled, they are not the same.

     BUSY is serious trouble. You may want to file a re(s)training order, too.

Busy Signal

It’s February 9, 2013, and I am still mailing out our Holiday 2012 cards. 

Let me clarify.  They’re not holiday cards anymore.  In January, I repackaged them as New Year cards.  The cards sported a snowflake design, so I felt justified in considering them seasonal.  Then February appeared, and I had almost a dozen still unsent.  Every year I manage to address and stamp envelopes for a few sad cards that never make it out of the house, but I was determined to change course this year, so I bought some heart stickers, and voila~

Not my classiest move, but worth a chuckle, right?  If someone is on my holiday card list, then I imagine he’ll understand my odd humor.  (Soroko Family, this last one is yours, and I’m sending it today, you lucky ducks!)

Yes, I tried to stay light-hearted about my Holiday/New Year/Valentine’s Day card project, but a nagging guilt pervaded.  How is it that other people managed to complete a simple act of kindness and communication and I had not?  I've sent handwritten, personalized messages every year for as long as I can remember, and this year, not one went out before January 4. 

My mind and tongue kept returning to that word... 

BUSY.

“I’M BUSY!  I’M SO BUSY!” ran on continuous loop.

Why the constant buzz of BUSY?  Who isn't BUSY?  Why did I have such an overwhelming need to say that word? 

Justification. Being BUSY justifies everything I have and haven't done.  It's been my excuse for whatever project I couldn't complete but also for every second I've wasted.  I watched "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" because I deserved it!  After all, I'm very BUSY and I need some time to decompress. Oh BUSY, BUSY, BUSY me!

Competition. Let's face it.  I'm trying to keep up with everyone around me.  There's a part of me that wants other people to know that I'm not slacking.  I want to have a list of things to tick off when someone asks what I've been doing lately.  It seems too embarrassing to answer, "Nothing, really."

Last week, I heard myself say the word BUSY one too many times, and all circuits overloaded.  I'm so sick of that word, so sick of the guilt and the never-ending buzz around it.  BUSY is a four-letter word, you know.

And that's why I broke up with BUSY.  I decided to change my words and let my actions follow.  It's only been a week, and the adjustment has been challenging, but it's been really (and I'll try to say this without eye-rolling) transformative.

Language really creates the relationship to what we do.  I've often written or said "I have to..." or "I need to..." and those both make me feel obligated and pressured.  So, I'm switching to "I choose to..." or simply, "I am..." in the hopes that they let me feel like I've got the power.  I'm in control of my choices, 24/7/365.

I've also decided that I'm just going to talk about spending or enjoying time.  No more judging it by referring to time wasting.  By God, I can spend time watching bad television without any justification or apology. I mean it.  I have a finite number of hours to fill in whatever way I do, and a natural ebb and flow is necessary.  

Finally, all time schedules are temporary.  I had dinner with a best friend the other night and I started to lament that we both have so much else going on that we haven't spent time together like we used to.  I know, though, that the time will pass.  I will finish up with these other things I've chosen to do right now, and my focus will change. I have chosen how I'm spending time right now for good reasons, and soon, other priorities will come into focus.  

Who thought I would be so grateful for a busy signal?  

Wishing one for you, too.

***

By the way, everybody, my amazing friend Carol is a life coach and has started a website and practice devoted to the power of our words. Check her out:
http://wordforgood.com/
http://www.whynotthrivecoaching.com/
You can also find her on Facebook.